Saturday, February 20, 2010
Straight Jacket
There's a freedom in not being busy, because no one urgently needs you for anything. No one needs you to show up prepared, to tell them what's going on or what they ought to do; no one needs you to be there for them, eat meals with them, listen to them. Someone said, "Business is the enemy of spiritual growth," but I say it can be an incredible outlet for that very spiritual growth to happen. Just depends on WHY you're busy and WHAT you're busy with, I guess. When you aren't busy, you're at a crossroads. Really, truly, it's just you and God, and that's a beautiful, hard thing. I feel as though the world is spinning around at a million miles an hour, and God and I are stuck in this immovable, padded cell together- except God's not stuck. He's there with me because He wants to be, because He promised He'd never leave. I'm the one in the self-imposed straight jacket, and I'm trying to figure out why I put it on myself in the first place. All these expectations of what my life is supposed to be like... how much money I'm supposed to have, the certain kind of friends that make me feel a certain kind of way, never being lonely or bored or unsatisfied, and God is saying LET GO. "I'd take that nice, comfortable straight jacket off of you in a heartbeat, if you'd let Me," He says again and again, but still I hang on to it, like I'd get cold without it, or there's some reason other than selfish pride that I need it. Truth is, I don't need life to look like what I want it to look like- I just need to trust that what He wants it to look like is better. I don't need to be busy or comfortable to be fulfilled- I just need to lean into God, allowing Him to work even when I'm tempted to struggle, to tighten the "straight jacket of selfish expectations" right back up. His ways are higher, His wisdom is only given to me in small measure, His plans for me are wildly exciting, and His love for me blows my mind. He wants to enjoy FREEDOM with me. All I can say is, right now, I'm sick of eating alone. :)
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