Giving Thanks for What We Don't Yet Have

Phoenix was ok... grandpa passed away on Wednesday night, about 10 hours before I got on the plane to go out and see him. The time with the family was really great; we all came together like we never had before and became what a family is supposed to be, and I am proud to be a member. I got home on Tuesday night feeling exhausted in new ways that I had yet to discover... it's amazing how many different ways this broken world can chafe against us, isn't it? Since then, it feels like someone else has been going through the motions of my life for me... it's all a bit of a fog. I'm not sure if it's grief, or physical stuff, or what; I just know that its going to take a long time to feel "normal" again... it's not just my grandpa. I just feel beat down by life right now, and Someone is gonna have to come alongside me and pick me up again. Someone BIG. Someone... fresh and new and familiar and present. Someone offering a hope and a future that's better than the one I've imagined for myself.

Bored

I'm bored. Why am I bored? WHY am I bored? *bangs head against wall*

Am I discontent with what God has put in front of me? Is it ok to feel bored with everything right now? Is there more to life than broken cars and bratty students? Where am I going in life? For that matter, where have I come from? What does God WANT? Scratch that last. I know what He wants. "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." The thing is, sometimes being "faithful in the small things" feels kinda tedious. Sometimes, it feels like we're halfway between the time when the purpose was given to us and the time when it's fulfilled in our lives. Those insufferably optimistic readers out there are thinking, "Well, those are good times, because they make you reevaluate your purpose and seek God more." Oh, Pollyanna, go listen to the birds chirp somewhere else, will ya? Ugh. Yeah, I know. Anyway, you're right, and I can't stand that fact.

My grandfather on my mom's side is dying. I want to write a eulogy, but I can't because I feel like I don't have enough material. Wow... it felt cruel to write that, but I'd be dishonest if I took it out. He hasn't been a part of my life. Is that my fault or his? I don't know. Is it a question of fault? Here is what I would say if I had to speak at his funeral:

He made great fudge, and he had a special marble cutting board for it. He used to play trombone. One time, I played Scrabble with him, and he actually wore a cone-shaped, bright-colored party hat for the entire game. He liked warm weather, slide shows, and my other elderly relatives. He smiled sometimes at those forced birthday parties that families always have because they only see each other once every few years, and they feel obligated to "catch up" on what they've missed. And I loved him. Anyway, I'm going to Phoenix to try to see him before he goes...

Deep-Seated Bitterness

Hullo, people who actually read my blog! It's been quite some time, has it not? Summer has begun, I have completed my first year of teaching (*gasp*), owned two cars and borrowed three (different cars... after all, you can't really borrow from yourself when it comes to cars), been camping twice (once with a 16-foot canoe on the top of my tiny, borrowed car), stood up in my sister's wedding, square danced with my Mexican cousin AND her daughters (lucky me!), organized my toolbox (if you know me and my tools, you know that this one is HUGE), grown a beard and shaved it off again, sprained my thumb and fallen into a pool (WITH my cell phone... ugh...), helped a friend move, had a new guitar GIVEN TO ME... pretty awesome... and used it to help with worship leading at church, freaked several people out, and read nine and a half books. Needless to say, I've been busy, and if it wouldn't take so long, I would tell you all about it. Besides, I already included one incredibly long sentence in this post- what need have we of another?

Have you ever wondered what the HECK God is growing you into through all these trials and tribulations? I have. Up until recently, had I known the answer to that question and been willing to verbalize it, I would have said, "Deep-seated bitterness." Life isn't fair... it's not supposed to be, I never expected it to be, but knowing this doesn't make it hurt any less. However, I'm beginning to realize that every blessing has a flip side, and every hard circumstance in life has a blessing just beyond view. There is no blessing without pain, and there is no pain without blessing; it is for us to ask for the patience to clearly see the goodness of God in them both. Furthermore, when we find ourselves in circumstances that cause us to come face to face with our own depravity, we can choose to grow and learn or we can choose to gradually settle into a deep-seated bitterness that eventually causes us to emotionally and spiritually stagnate. Both options hurt, but only one of them brings peace in the end.

Like An Astronaut Trusts His Suit

God is asking of me right now the only question He ever really asks of anyone, the question that they all seem to boil down to, and that question is,

"DO YOU TRUST ME?"

"Do you trust me when things aren't going like you wanted them to?
Do you trust me to always know what's best for you?
Do you trust me with your future?
Do you trust me with your past?
Do you trust me...?"

My own human perspective isn't enough. Left on my own, I am entirely ineffectual. I need Jesus, not because he is an alien symbiont who will help me achieve my own ends while subtly turning me to the dark side. I trust God, not because I feel like it or because it's the "thing to do". Quite the opposite, in fact, and let me say this: Whoever said that Jesus was a crutch first failed miserably at recognizing his or her own inadequacies, and second, had no clue how much the God of the universe loves us. It may seem like I'm harping on an old tune there, but things profound are both simple and true. May we all answer that question with humility.

Climbing

Remember when I said I was gonna feel what I felt, and no apologies? Well, now I'm angry... and bone-weary. There's nothing quite like trying to climb a 500 ft. cliff with 450 ft. of rope... and all the while wondering if someone at the top is poised with a knife, or chuckling over another 100 ft. of rope, or jerking on the rope as you climb. Or weeping because you chose to ascend the hard way...

Timing

Why is it that there are times in our lives where it seems like we can coast and still accomplish everything we ever dreamed, and other times when we are trying hard, only to end up feeling like a hamster on a wheel? Days go by, then weeks, then years, and we feel as though nothing has changed. Or we feel like everything has changed except us. I've realized in the past few weeks that feeling this way has a lot to do with timing. When a car's timing is off, it has less horsepower, a rough idle, and bad gas mileage. When a person tells a joke, it falls flat if it's not timed well. When you fail to time a baking experience, you could end up burning your house down.... Timing is profoundly important to the lives of human beings. And yet... and yet...

From Ecclesiastes, we know that there is a time for everything. Couldn't we also say that every moment in time has a purpose? If we feel like we are treading water, filling the sieve, or running on the hamster wheel of life, couldn't it be that we are simply treading in a calm eddy next to the raging current that would carry us downstream? Couldn't it be that we are filling the sieve with sand instead of nuggets of gold, having failed to recognize the gold for what it is? Is it possible that if we are running and never arriving, we are not in fact on a wheel, but we are running next to a long highway full of racing yellow taxi cabs, ready to take us wherever it is we are going? I feel as though sometimes my own thoughts and emotions are counterproductive to God's plan for my life, and in fact are often ultimately and in every eternal sense pointless. My own priorities, my own timing is faulty, and I'll never get it right. But if I'm focused on God, timing isn't really an issue, and I don't have to worry about missing the point, because He IS the point. So, I've been trying to wait, and to listen. What am I waiting for...?

Well... what are YOU waiting for?

Spring Break

I learned something this past week, and I hope I never forget it. Here it is:

True rest is like true freedom; it comes at the price of wisdom in choices and sacrifice.

How did I learn that, you ask? Well, this past week was my school's spring break, and I pretty much sat on my butt all week being lazy instead of grading and planning like a good teacher ought. Yes, I know that teachers deserve vacations, too, but trust me, this was not good. Not good at all. I'm going back to school more weary than I was when I started this week... Granted, I did accomplish some things; I sold a car and bought another, and I cleaned out my stuff in my parent's basement. I went for a kickin' bike ride, read 4 books, hung out with friends, cleaned my room, had lunch with my sister, baked a quiche, and sang in the worship band at church. Alright, alright... I changed my mind. It's been a good week, or at least not a total waste. Maybe it's time to stop thinking about all of the things that I could have gotten done, and focus on what did happen. Still, it makes me think. We really do have a lot of choices in life (especially concerning how we use our time, etc...), and we need to make them wisely.

Babies = Creation

I like babies.... I can't help myself! I mean, how can you not like babies? We're not talking in some sick, pedophiliactic way. I just like them, ok? Let me see if I can explain. Let's start from the beginning.

Step One: The very act of human conception is supposed to be- and very often is, I'm told- the extreme act of love within the context of marriage. This seems fitting, seeing as we were made in the image of a God who created us, told us flat out in person that He is love, and then went on to sacrifice His very life for us to prove it. How could He have possibly made us to procreate in any other manner than a loving one? In this act, He gives us eyes through which to look at a newly born bundle of joy that has just wet herself all over us, or chewed on the remote to our brand new sound system, or done any number of other things that babies do on a regular basis. In this act, He sets the precedent for how a child ought to be raised; sex is one of a hundred evidences that children were intended to have two parents, male and female, and the structure of a family environment as they grow into adulthood.

Step Two: Pregnancy is interesting to me, but I'm profoundly grateful that I will never personally experience it. A woman finds herself, after nine months of... well... extreme discomfort, and what could be as much as a day's worth of "hell on wheels" in labor, with a baby. Notwithstanding, she ideally also find herself with a husband whom- although she may have been aware of a great capacity for stupidity before he was a father- she did not know could be such a bumbling idiot. Luckily for him, love covers a multitude of bumbling idiocy, and they take the poor child home. Are they prepared to spend the next 18 years (at least!) teaching that child freedoms and inhibitions, wisdom and heritage? Perhaps they think they are...

Step Three: This is where it starts to get hairy, and this step is really my strongest argument for liking babies. You see, there is only one thing wrong with babies, and this is also the greatest thing about them at the same time. It's like a paradox... Here it is: BABIES GROW UP. You can hold one and think, "How could something this small and fragile and beautiful ever grow to lose this innocence?", and just a few short months later, you're wondering how the world will ever survive the little terror they have become. Still, even as they grow, they serve to remind us of creation. Uh... I sound like I'm speaking from experience... Well, I'm not a father, but all these disjointed thoughts have come together, and I've finally decided that I hope to be one someday. :)

What's in a Name?

It's time that I explain the name that I have given to my blog. "The Wounded Warrior" is, first and foremost, a statement of determination to persevere. It is not the strange, sideways manifestation of a victim complex, and it does not necessarily speak to the violent part of my nature, powerful though it may be. What's more, your picture of a warrior that has been wounded is probably one of weakness, convalescence, and grievous, bloody wounds. I've been there, and I will be there again, but that's not what I'm striving for. I consider the wounds that I have been smote with in the course of my battle for Life to have armed me with far better weapons, trained me to fight far more fairly, and brought me to a higher ground on which to fight. They are- for lack of a better name- "wisdom wounds". That is, life experiences that have cut me deeper than any diamond ever could, and yet when polished by a Loving Hand, can cause me to "sparkle" more than I could ever hope to without them. For this reason, I thank God for the wounds that life has brought so far, and I when I am able, I consider my current, paltry trials pure joy. Please do not misunderstand me; I'm really, really, ridiculously NOT perfect. But that's my whole point! If I were perfect, I wouldn't have any of these precious wounds, and I wouldn't have any reason to fight for Life.

They're Way Better Than... Um... Almost Anything!

Call me inspired, but I gotta write right now. I've been thinking about women. What's that you say? There's nothing unusual about that, and why am I pointing that rather obvious fact out to my readers? Great question, and I'm glad you asked. Here's the answer that spawned all the questions that came from the thoughts that resulted from reading the words of someone I consider to be a good friend, and those thoughts fueled the inspiration with which I now write to you. We'll get to the "further ado...", but first, I just want to say one thing:

I LIKE WOMEN.

I do not say that because I have made a breakthrough in my own masculinity, having questioned it for a time. Quite the opposite: I say that because it's always been true; I can't help myself. It's how I feel, and as I strongly implied in my last post, I'm through with trying to deny that what is actually going on inside myself is actually going on inside myself. Well, except for digestion. I still deny that one, because I also like food, and sometimes I eat too much of it for that reason. But that's not where I'm going with all of this. Have you ever stopped to think about WHY you like members of the opposite sex? It's not because they're gorgeous, although they certainly can be and very often are (praise the Lord!). It's not because they give you flowers and chocolate, although I hear that rather cliche idea still gets astounding results on occasion. It's not because they can cook, repair, clean, drive, buy, remember, or help you in any way; these are just shadows of the true reason. Besides, if you averaged all cultures together, you might find that those things are surprisingly evenly dispersed between the sexes. These things are all almost peripheral compared to the real reason that men fall in love with women, and women fall in love with men. And the real reason is this: We make each other feel more like what we were created to be. In a healthy, Christ-honoring relationship, a member of the opposite sex can actually cause you to become more like what God intended for you to be before there ever was such a thing as sin. This applies to both friendships and romantic contexts.

My inspiring friend talks about her experiences being a woman in what is essentially still a man's world, and how when she and her husband go out to any public place, she asks him to ward off the unwelcome eyes that she knows will be on her if she goes out "undefended". That is, without his company. Her being one of the most independent women I know, I am not implying that she cannot take care of herself, and I'd have a REALLY hard time believing that she was implying that herself; instead, her contention was that she enjoyed being in his company and under his protection- whether it manifest through physical means or through simple eye contact with a guy across the room. On an even deeper level, she seems to be arguing that men were made to be pursuers, treasurers and protectors, and women were made to be pursued, treasured and protected. Yes, sin has warped this, as it has warped every one of God's creations. However, I've seen the healthiest relationships between men and women that I know of display this concept in profound ways. In many cases, both roles are played unconsciously after many years of practice. Somehow, our culture has brought the concepts of protection and control uncomfortably close together. If Christ is redeeming our hearts along with all of creation, He can certainly redeem the relationship between man and woman, as well...

Anyway, I'm beginning to sound like a popular-psychologist-turned-preacher, so I'll stop now. It's all been said before, anyway. It's just that it was on my mind- as women frequently have been since I was about twelve years old. I like 'em! :)

Feeling Like Feeling

Promise me something, will you? Whatever you may feel, feel it as honestly as you are able. If you are grieving, grieve with everything that you are equipped to grieve with. Comfort comes from He-Who-Makes-Whole, and with it may you come to a deeper, truer rest. If you are happy, relish it to the last drop as if it were a fine wine. When anger comes, make the most of the fuel that burns the hottest- but be prepared to do it without sinning. If you are uncertain, BE uncertain... and wait as patiently as you can for the peace that God brings. Please, please, PLEASE do not settle for anything less than experiencing your emotions with the "honestest" honesty, the most authentic authenticity, the exceedingly graceful grace that we find in Christ. The world will try to convince you that your emotions are inherently sinful, but be warned! This is a disgusting misinterpretation of what the scripture may at first appear to be saying. There is nowhere in scripture that says that we ought not to trust our emotions. Our flesh, our sinful nature, our pride... these are all things to be shoved away with a disciplined abhorrence, but NOT the emotions that seem to be inextricably tied to them. What about lust, malice, bitterness, envy... what about all these "feelings" that the Bible says to put off? Well, frankly, they aren't purely emotions. All of those things are what happens when our emotions are utterly out of context and not serving the purpose they were intended to serve, but instead feeding our sin. Take lust as the most popular example among these dissatisfied moral concepts; has anyone ever heard of lust within a marriage relationship? No, because in that context we call it "love". Has anyone ever heard of a person who knows that they truly have everything they need or want envying someone else their possessions? Of course not, because they have everything they need or want- if they are wise enough to realize it. How is it, then, that there are Christians everywhere lusting, envying, and wallowing in bitterness and malicious anger... ? We have everything we need and want in a loving, merciful God, and occasionally we are even wise enough to realize it. I beg you, don't throw the emotional baby out with the sinful bathwater! Should you choose to do so, you choose to lose a vital part of the incredible humanity that God intended for you from the beginning. He isn't just redeeming your mind, your body and your spirit, He is redeeming your emotions along with everything else. So, don't bottle them up, push them aside, deny them, or try to morph them into something more socially acceptable. Feel what you feel, nothing but what you feel, and exactly what you feel... and then ask WHY? In the grand scheme of things, why are you feeling what you are feeling? What is God trying to show you through what you are feeling? Is there something that God may want you to do or not do as a result of these emotions? If you fail to balance the gift of emotions against the other creative faculties and revelations that God provides for us, you may effectively be spiritually crippling yourself.

Jesus and Marmee Say It All

How is it that some people make us want to be "better"? You meet them, you might even be friends with them, and whenever you're around them, you have an inexplicable desire to be the best that you can be. It isn't a guilt trip, it isn't an obligation, it isn't a crush, it isn't necessarily that you're trying to gain their approval, and it isn't that you are comparing yourself with them unfavorably. They don't make you feel put down; they make you feel as though it's possible to become more than what you are. Somehow, they work their way into your thoughts and they become the muse of your integrity. There is no sense that they are trying to "fix" you, and they are certainly not perfect people themselves, but they inspire you nonetheless. Louisa May Alcott created such a character in "Marmee" in her book, Little Women. Marmee has her girls wrapped around her little finger, and they know it, and she knows that they know it. They simply trust each other so much that it doesn't bother them. May I suggest to you that God created the same for us in Christ Jesus? Scripture makes it clear that we are the "salt of the earth". I heard an author read excerpts from one of his books recently, and he made the point that salt is not a flavor in and of itself. It does, however, enhance the flavor of many of the things that it is combined with. When we are striving to be the "salt of the earth", we are not trying to produce some sort of artificial "flavor" or attitude. What we are doing is enhancing the presence of Christ in ourselves! When we are in Him, we are a new creation; to be the "salt of the earth" is to behave like what we already have been re-created to be. I don't know about you, but I want that more than I've ever wanted anything in my life- and that's saying a lot! I want to become the sort of person that has no need to guilt trip people, no cause to instruct others in holiness, no place from which to look down on others or judge them, and yet at the same time someone who has a profound impact on the people that he meets. Authentic to the max, down to earth, willing to say the hard words, and encouraging all rolled into one. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this is who Christ is, and that delving deeper into my identity in Him will cause me to be more like Him.