Giving Thanks for What We Don't Yet Have

Phoenix was ok... grandpa passed away on Wednesday night, about 10 hours before I got on the plane to go out and see him. The time with the family was really great; we all came together like we never had before and became what a family is supposed to be, and I am proud to be a member. I got home on Tuesday night feeling exhausted in new ways that I had yet to discover... it's amazing how many different ways this broken world can chafe against us, isn't it? Since then, it feels like someone else has been going through the motions of my life for me... it's all a bit of a fog. I'm not sure if it's grief, or physical stuff, or what; I just know that its going to take a long time to feel "normal" again... it's not just my grandpa. I just feel beat down by life right now, and Someone is gonna have to come alongside me and pick me up again. Someone BIG. Someone... fresh and new and familiar and present. Someone offering a hope and a future that's better than the one I've imagined for myself.

Bored

I'm bored. Why am I bored? WHY am I bored? *bangs head against wall*

Am I discontent with what God has put in front of me? Is it ok to feel bored with everything right now? Is there more to life than broken cars and bratty students? Where am I going in life? For that matter, where have I come from? What does God WANT? Scratch that last. I know what He wants. "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." The thing is, sometimes being "faithful in the small things" feels kinda tedious. Sometimes, it feels like we're halfway between the time when the purpose was given to us and the time when it's fulfilled in our lives. Those insufferably optimistic readers out there are thinking, "Well, those are good times, because they make you reevaluate your purpose and seek God more." Oh, Pollyanna, go listen to the birds chirp somewhere else, will ya? Ugh. Yeah, I know. Anyway, you're right, and I can't stand that fact.

My grandfather on my mom's side is dying. I want to write a eulogy, but I can't because I feel like I don't have enough material. Wow... it felt cruel to write that, but I'd be dishonest if I took it out. He hasn't been a part of my life. Is that my fault or his? I don't know. Is it a question of fault? Here is what I would say if I had to speak at his funeral:

He made great fudge, and he had a special marble cutting board for it. He used to play trombone. One time, I played Scrabble with him, and he actually wore a cone-shaped, bright-colored party hat for the entire game. He liked warm weather, slide shows, and my other elderly relatives. He smiled sometimes at those forced birthday parties that families always have because they only see each other once every few years, and they feel obligated to "catch up" on what they've missed. And I loved him. Anyway, I'm going to Phoenix to try to see him before he goes...

Deep-Seated Bitterness

Hullo, people who actually read my blog! It's been quite some time, has it not? Summer has begun, I have completed my first year of teaching (*gasp*), owned two cars and borrowed three (different cars... after all, you can't really borrow from yourself when it comes to cars), been camping twice (once with a 16-foot canoe on the top of my tiny, borrowed car), stood up in my sister's wedding, square danced with my Mexican cousin AND her daughters (lucky me!), organized my toolbox (if you know me and my tools, you know that this one is HUGE), grown a beard and shaved it off again, sprained my thumb and fallen into a pool (WITH my cell phone... ugh...), helped a friend move, had a new guitar GIVEN TO ME... pretty awesome... and used it to help with worship leading at church, freaked several people out, and read nine and a half books. Needless to say, I've been busy, and if it wouldn't take so long, I would tell you all about it. Besides, I already included one incredibly long sentence in this post- what need have we of another?

Have you ever wondered what the HECK God is growing you into through all these trials and tribulations? I have. Up until recently, had I known the answer to that question and been willing to verbalize it, I would have said, "Deep-seated bitterness." Life isn't fair... it's not supposed to be, I never expected it to be, but knowing this doesn't make it hurt any less. However, I'm beginning to realize that every blessing has a flip side, and every hard circumstance in life has a blessing just beyond view. There is no blessing without pain, and there is no pain without blessing; it is for us to ask for the patience to clearly see the goodness of God in them both. Furthermore, when we find ourselves in circumstances that cause us to come face to face with our own depravity, we can choose to grow and learn or we can choose to gradually settle into a deep-seated bitterness that eventually causes us to emotionally and spiritually stagnate. Both options hurt, but only one of them brings peace in the end.

Like An Astronaut Trusts His Suit

God is asking of me right now the only question He ever really asks of anyone, the question that they all seem to boil down to, and that question is,

"DO YOU TRUST ME?"

"Do you trust me when things aren't going like you wanted them to?
Do you trust me to always know what's best for you?
Do you trust me with your future?
Do you trust me with your past?
Do you trust me...?"

My own human perspective isn't enough. Left on my own, I am entirely ineffectual. I need Jesus, not because he is an alien symbiont who will help me achieve my own ends while subtly turning me to the dark side. I trust God, not because I feel like it or because it's the "thing to do". Quite the opposite, in fact, and let me say this: Whoever said that Jesus was a crutch first failed miserably at recognizing his or her own inadequacies, and second, had no clue how much the God of the universe loves us. It may seem like I'm harping on an old tune there, but things profound are both simple and true. May we all answer that question with humility.

Climbing

Remember when I said I was gonna feel what I felt, and no apologies? Well, now I'm angry... and bone-weary. There's nothing quite like trying to climb a 500 ft. cliff with 450 ft. of rope... and all the while wondering if someone at the top is poised with a knife, or chuckling over another 100 ft. of rope, or jerking on the rope as you climb. Or weeping because you chose to ascend the hard way...