Deep-Seated Bitterness

Hullo, people who actually read my blog! It's been quite some time, has it not? Summer has begun, I have completed my first year of teaching (*gasp*), owned two cars and borrowed three (different cars... after all, you can't really borrow from yourself when it comes to cars), been camping twice (once with a 16-foot canoe on the top of my tiny, borrowed car), stood up in my sister's wedding, square danced with my Mexican cousin AND her daughters (lucky me!), organized my toolbox (if you know me and my tools, you know that this one is HUGE), grown a beard and shaved it off again, sprained my thumb and fallen into a pool (WITH my cell phone... ugh...), helped a friend move, had a new guitar GIVEN TO ME... pretty awesome... and used it to help with worship leading at church, freaked several people out, and read nine and a half books. Needless to say, I've been busy, and if it wouldn't take so long, I would tell you all about it. Besides, I already included one incredibly long sentence in this post- what need have we of another?

Have you ever wondered what the HECK God is growing you into through all these trials and tribulations? I have. Up until recently, had I known the answer to that question and been willing to verbalize it, I would have said, "Deep-seated bitterness." Life isn't fair... it's not supposed to be, I never expected it to be, but knowing this doesn't make it hurt any less. However, I'm beginning to realize that every blessing has a flip side, and every hard circumstance in life has a blessing just beyond view. There is no blessing without pain, and there is no pain without blessing; it is for us to ask for the patience to clearly see the goodness of God in them both. Furthermore, when we find ourselves in circumstances that cause us to come face to face with our own depravity, we can choose to grow and learn or we can choose to gradually settle into a deep-seated bitterness that eventually causes us to emotionally and spiritually stagnate. Both options hurt, but only one of them brings peace in the end.

Like An Astronaut Trusts His Suit

God is asking of me right now the only question He ever really asks of anyone, the question that they all seem to boil down to, and that question is,

"DO YOU TRUST ME?"

"Do you trust me when things aren't going like you wanted them to?
Do you trust me to always know what's best for you?
Do you trust me with your future?
Do you trust me with your past?
Do you trust me...?"

My own human perspective isn't enough. Left on my own, I am entirely ineffectual. I need Jesus, not because he is an alien symbiont who will help me achieve my own ends while subtly turning me to the dark side. I trust God, not because I feel like it or because it's the "thing to do". Quite the opposite, in fact, and let me say this: Whoever said that Jesus was a crutch first failed miserably at recognizing his or her own inadequacies, and second, had no clue how much the God of the universe loves us. It may seem like I'm harping on an old tune there, but things profound are both simple and true. May we all answer that question with humility.

Climbing

Remember when I said I was gonna feel what I felt, and no apologies? Well, now I'm angry... and bone-weary. There's nothing quite like trying to climb a 500 ft. cliff with 450 ft. of rope... and all the while wondering if someone at the top is poised with a knife, or chuckling over another 100 ft. of rope, or jerking on the rope as you climb. Or weeping because you chose to ascend the hard way...

Timing

Why is it that there are times in our lives where it seems like we can coast and still accomplish everything we ever dreamed, and other times when we are trying hard, only to end up feeling like a hamster on a wheel? Days go by, then weeks, then years, and we feel as though nothing has changed. Or we feel like everything has changed except us. I've realized in the past few weeks that feeling this way has a lot to do with timing. When a car's timing is off, it has less horsepower, a rough idle, and bad gas mileage. When a person tells a joke, it falls flat if it's not timed well. When you fail to time a baking experience, you could end up burning your house down.... Timing is profoundly important to the lives of human beings. And yet... and yet...

From Ecclesiastes, we know that there is a time for everything. Couldn't we also say that every moment in time has a purpose? If we feel like we are treading water, filling the sieve, or running on the hamster wheel of life, couldn't it be that we are simply treading in a calm eddy next to the raging current that would carry us downstream? Couldn't it be that we are filling the sieve with sand instead of nuggets of gold, having failed to recognize the gold for what it is? Is it possible that if we are running and never arriving, we are not in fact on a wheel, but we are running next to a long highway full of racing yellow taxi cabs, ready to take us wherever it is we are going? I feel as though sometimes my own thoughts and emotions are counterproductive to God's plan for my life, and in fact are often ultimately and in every eternal sense pointless. My own priorities, my own timing is faulty, and I'll never get it right. But if I'm focused on God, timing isn't really an issue, and I don't have to worry about missing the point, because He IS the point. So, I've been trying to wait, and to listen. What am I waiting for...?

Well... what are YOU waiting for?

Spring Break

I learned something this past week, and I hope I never forget it. Here it is:

True rest is like true freedom; it comes at the price of wisdom in choices and sacrifice.

How did I learn that, you ask? Well, this past week was my school's spring break, and I pretty much sat on my butt all week being lazy instead of grading and planning like a good teacher ought. Yes, I know that teachers deserve vacations, too, but trust me, this was not good. Not good at all. I'm going back to school more weary than I was when I started this week... Granted, I did accomplish some things; I sold a car and bought another, and I cleaned out my stuff in my parent's basement. I went for a kickin' bike ride, read 4 books, hung out with friends, cleaned my room, had lunch with my sister, baked a quiche, and sang in the worship band at church. Alright, alright... I changed my mind. It's been a good week, or at least not a total waste. Maybe it's time to stop thinking about all of the things that I could have gotten done, and focus on what did happen. Still, it makes me think. We really do have a lot of choices in life (especially concerning how we use our time, etc...), and we need to make them wisely.